Working on your sex life as a couple by hiring a sex coach or a program is a powerful choice that signals your willingness to take care of yourself, your partner and your relationship.

When you feel safe with each other, you can address anything difficult — especially something as tender and sensitive as a sex problem. 

Even when you feel safe, this intimate and revealing conversation can still be daunting for many people, men and women alike.

It’s natural to feel less than courageous in approaching your partner. Fear is normal here as you’re opening up what may be your struggles and desires for more. You may fear hurting your partner or being judged by them. However you look at it, this space is ripe for fear.

Fret not. With the help of careful prep-work to build your confidence and courage, this conversation has the potential to help you grow closer together.

Take Jenny, for example, a woman in her late 30s, who came to me because she wanted to stop feeling anxious and withdrawn during sex and feel more pleasure and connection to her husband. Jenny acknowledged right away that she had waited for a long time to seek out a coach because she was ashamed of needing help in an otherwise loving and caring relationship. She was scared to tell her partner that she didn't always enjoy sex for fear of hurting his feelings. Once she worked through her fear of approaching her partner and built up the courage to open up to talk to him, she not only had shared with him what was happening, but that conversation took them to the next level of intimacy. Her husband thanked her for entrusting him to solve this together. 

It’s ok to not know how to work with your fears. None of us learned that, except the hard way, making the wrong choices out of fear and having to find our way back to what’s true and right for us. It happens because our fears hijack our own brains, making us find excuses as to why we should avoid doing something, such as getting help for a problem that seems to not go away on its own. Many people tell me that they cannot afford to invest money or take time to work on themselves. I tell them they can't afford not to. The status quo may be too painful and failed attempts to fix it yourself add to the pain and disappointment.

The price we pay for not getting support before it’s too late is very high. What might have started as an innocent sex problem can easily snowball into any of these 10 intimacy-destroying behaviors that spell the death of the relationship. When viewed from this angle, the investment in getting professional help is a pretty good deal.

Check out this self-assessment to understand the danger zone and use the results to jump start the conversation about what is important to you to solve this once and for all.

The rest of the page below will outline a step-by-step process to help you get the words and the courage to address this challenging — but totally doable — conversation. I know you can do it! 

• Common Mistakes to Avoid

• Part 1: Inner Prep Work

• Part 2: Having the Conversation

• Sample Conversations

• Troubleshooting

• Real-life Success Story

• Next Steps
  

Mistake 1: Avoid making the conversation about getting a sex coach or buying a program.
That is NOT what the conversation is actually about. The focus of the conversation needs to be on you — and what you would like to change or achieve in sex. 

It could be:

• Learning how to break the cycle of fights about not wanting sex and finding ways to have it

• Learning to ask for what you want and discovering what you like in bed

• Overcoming the “I don’t want to have sex with my husband” problem and rebuilding your desire for sex

Once you can frame what you are looking for, you can get your partner on board, you can ask him to get on board with finding professional help to do that. 

Your partner may not support you spending thousands on "a coach" without understanding how this work is important to you and your relationship. By skipping over the personal reason to do this and only focusing on hiring a sex coach, you’re going to get mired in an argument about the coach, the pricing and a myriad of other practicalities. But they might feel differently if you share with them that this is going to help you feel more relaxed, connected, and enjoy sex more with them. 

Think of this as having a conversation about needing to fix a leaking roof. If you’re not on the same page that the roof is leaking and that the leak needs solving, it’s pointless to fight over whether you’re going hire a contractor, try to fix it yourself, or live under a leaking roof forever. Get your partner on board with your problem first, and then approach the ways to fix it.

The rest of this process will help you avoid this common mistake that leads to a lot of frustration and actually sets up the partner to resist the effort. 

Mistake 2. Avoid Complaining, Criticism and Focusing on What’s Not Working

You’ve probably been facing your situation for a while now, and tensions might be high. It might be oh-so-tempting to focus on what is not working and drive the point across about whose fault it is. I get it, sex problems are not easy.

Alas, focusing on complaining and criticism will drive you further into disconnection — if not into another heated argument.

This approach is a different way of talking to your partner about this sensitive topic. It’s a way that breaks down the walls you’ve built to protect yourselves against each other and helps you move closer to each other — and to a solution. And it’s specifically focused on desire and what you want.

Complaining about the past makes both of you feel powerless to change it (unless you’ve figured out how to change the past, I am pretty sure that it cannot be done). What you can do is set each other up for success by speaking about what you want to be different. Speaking about what you want and what it provides for you empowers your partner to see how they can contribute.

That’s not to say that you cannot or should not describe what is happening to you and what is not working. Of course, identifying and naming what is not working and what you don’t want is crucial to solving it.

The difference is leading with what it is that you do want and recruiting your partner to join you in creating it — versus complaining about what’s not working or criticizing what they’re doing. The former sets you up for the change you want, the latter does not.

When you’re going through the conversation, check with yourself: 

• Are you clear on what you want and what it will provide for you? 

• Are you honest about what you want?

If you’re unsure about what you want and only have a list of complaints to start from, use this process to reverse engineer your desires from your complaints.

Download worksheet (PDF) to help you navigate this process and prepare for your conversation.

1. Access Your “Why”

When you’re hiring a sex coach, you’re not actually investing in my services or me. You’re investing in you — yourself, your partner, your relationship. You’re investing into what you want to experience in your life — results that I can help you with obviously. 

Examples of results are: 

• feeling safe with each other to open up. 

• Feeling joy again. 

• Feeling like yourself again.

• Reigniting the romance and feel like lovers

• Getting closer together 

When working on their sex life:

• Established couples might be investing into reclaiming joy in their relationship that got lost over time. 

• Young couples are investing at the start of their relationship to create an intimate future for decades to come. 

• Many couples with children are investing into being role-models to their kids with healthy expressions of connection, sexuality and affection.

• For couples where the woman has lost her desire in sex, they are investing in the opportunity to reconnect and maintain an intimate connection to each other. 

Which is why it is critical to get to your “why” before you talk to your partner:

• What’s most important to you in solving your sex problem? Is it reclaiming safety, finding relaxation, achieving closeness, finding pleasure, expanding your love, etc?

• If you had these results, how would your life change for the better for you individually? For you as a couple?

• And what would be the cost to the relationship of not getting this solved once and for all? Calculate the costs via the relationship spiral.

Use the provided worksheet to make a list of your “Why’s” for working on your sex life. This is your list of what makes this work meaningful.

If you’re unsure about what you want and only have a list of complaints, use this eas reverse process to identify your desires.

2. Face Your Fears 

Fears have a great way of lurking in the shadows, masquerading themselves as money issues or excuses such as “I don’t have time” or “Work/kids/life is just too busy right now.” 

What fears might actually be saying is: 

• “I don’t know if this will work, we’ve tried everything already. I am scared to even try.”

• “I have fear that my partner will leave me.”

• “I am scared of what I’ll find out about myself.”

• “I have fear that I will be judged by my partner along the way.”

It’s ok to have fears. This conversation is an intimate one in nature, so fears will come up. There is always a risk in revealing something about yourself or getting a "no." It's bound to provoke anxiety and discomfort in even the strongest of us.  But fears don’t have to drive the bus.

Get to know your fears so that they don’t drive the bus — and remind yourself that you do.

The more aware you are about your own fears, the less you will be swayed by their unconscious power. Standing up for yourself in uncomfortable or pressured situations is a hallmark of relationship resilience and building intimacy in a long-term relationship, and today is a great time to start building this muscle.

Use the provided worksheet to do an inventory of fears. You might want to burn this part of the worksheet when you’re done, releasing the fears and allowing your courage and determination to remain. 

3. Identify Your Non-Negotiables 

Your non-negotiables are your boundaries, or what you are not willing to do or give up in any situation. These are needs that correspond to what you value the most — about yourself, your body, your relationship — and you may not be willing to stay in a relationship where this piece is missing.

Examples of non-negotiables or what you’re not willing to live without are:

• Feeling heard and seen in your relationship

• Sharing and expressing love to each other through physical intimacy

• Speaking intimately

• Compassion

• Having physical touch

• Experiencing sexual intercourse with pleasure (as opposed to pain)

Understanding your non-negotiables will help you know where you need to stand up for what you need and where you can negotiate. 

By working through the worksheet, find out what is most important to you and what you are willing to negotiate about. 

Your partner will have theirs too, and through this conversation, you can learn about what’s really important to both of you.

1. Check with your partner about a good time to talk

Set aside dedicated time for a face-to-face conversation. Make it a conscious one, not a fly-by attempt while doing the dishes or preparing dinner (or cornering your partner into the conversation during a long drive). And definitely do not broach this conversation in the middle of sex. 

Bring notes from your worksheet if you get nervous and want some reinforcement.

Be real about where you are. You might be nervous or scared to bring up the topic. It's ok. Most likely, your partner might be too. Let them know that this is important to you and scary at the same time to ease the discomfort for both of you.

Here are some ways to express that:

“Can we talk for a few minutes? I want to talk to you about something that’s important to me, but I’m feeling scared. Are you in a space to talk about it now?"

“I want to talk to you about our sex life, and I’m feeling nervous about bringing it up with you. It’s been such a difficult topic for me. Could we set aside a few minutes to talk about this privately so I feel a bit more relaxed?" 

2. Lead your conversation with your "why" instead of complaining and criticizing 

Your “why” is the sole reason and value behind hiring a sex coach or buying a program — which is why it’s important to lead with this. Use the questions in the worksheet to express your "why" to help your partner understand and see why this is important for you to do and what these results provide for you. 

Avoid complaining and criticizing your partner. It’s not that you have to avoid saying what is not working. It’s most powerful when you back it up with what it is that you want instead — so you set your partner for success in delivering it. For most impact, use “I” statements that reflect your desires and needs as much as possible. 

The more vulnerable and open you can be with your partner about the situation and your desire to change it, the more they can understand how important this is for you.

It can sound like:

“It doesn’t work for me that I don’t see you at all during the day, and then you want sex in the evenings when I feel so disconnected from you. What I really need is time with you in the evening, to make sex possible between us.”

Be direct in your conversation. You might be tempted to pad it with lines such as, “it would be nice if I did this” or “it’s probably a good idea”. The most powerful approach is to own your desire to do this work and using clear language such as "I want to do this. It's important for me to contribute this way to our relationship."

3. Invite your partner to be on board

Before you make a decision to hire a sex coach or buy a program, you need to get your partner onboard to be with you in solving this problem together. It’s the crucial missing link in most couple’s communication, which leads to a lot of miscommunication and hurt feelings down the line.

I cannot emphasize this enough: If your partner is not on board to work on this together, no amount of coaxing will get them to agree to pay for a sex coach or a program and attend sessions.

Once your partner is on board, they will be more open to explore those options.

It’s not enough to just share your desires. You have to make a request to be clear about what action you want next — and what is next is asking your partner to come on board.

Inviting your partner onboard can be as simple as asking and waiting for a yes or no answer:

• “Will you join me in learning more about this?” 

• “Will you help me find solutions to this problem together?”

Once they are on board, you can ask if they are on board in getting a coach:

• “Will you join me in working with a couples coach on this problem?” 

If they say yes, acknowledge their participation: “I am so happy you’ve said yes to working on this together.”

If they need more time to think about it, it’s ok. Propose a new time to discuss this: “I know you need to take time to process. Will getting back to this question work for you in a week?” 

If they are not on board with a “no”, proceed to the next step to find out their concerns.

4. Ask Your Partner About Their Concerns

Be prepared to get a firm "no” from your partner. It’s ok. Stay open and get curious without fighting your partner. We often think of a "no" as an end to a conversation, but it doesn't have to be. Respect your partner’s decision and avoid trying harder to explain your point or change their mind. Instead, get curious about your partner's experience and point of view.

Asking about your partner's concerns and fears sends the message that you care about them and how they feel. 

You may ask something like: "I am ready to start working on our sex life. What concerns or fears do you have about us doing this work?"

Welcome your partner’s perspective and listen carefully to their concerns. Your partner may not have thought about this in advance or done their research on the topic. Let them consider your request. Stay open to hearing their feedback or point of view. Respect their need to take some time to think about it. Decide on a time to come back to talking about this in the future.

By acknowledging their perspective and concerns and asking about their response and ask non-combative clarifying questions:

• "I get that it’s a big ask to work on our sex life. It must feel scary for you right now. Can you tell me more about what scares you?" 

• “Is it a “no” to finding a solution to our challenge or a “no” to getting a coach?

• “Since we are not able to figure this out on our own, what do you see being the solution to fixing this?”

If you find yourself or your partner getting defensive or withdrawing from the conversation, name it and find a better time to continue the conversation. 

You might say: "I am noticing I am getting defensive about this decision, and I don't want to push you to change your mind. Can we continue talking about this another time?" 

Lastly, you don’t need to solve this in one conversation. For many couples, this is a series of conversations over months. Give your partner space and time to process this. Set up a follow up conversation to get back to talking about it:

“It sounds like you need time to process. I get it, it’s a big topic to wrap your head around. I really want to understand your thoughts with no pressure to make any decision. Will you join me in a follow-up conversation next week, on Sunday when we have our brunch time together?” 

“Thanks for hearing me out. What concerns might you have about me doing this work?”

5. Be open to finding a solution. It may not be obvious. 

Ask open-ended questions that promote brainstorming and creativity: “How can we make this work together?" or "What do you need from me to feel safe about this decision?"

When it comes to hiring a coach, if it's a money issue, brainstorm some ways to find resources. It might be selling things you no longer need on Craigslist or finding lower-cost options (such as drinking coffee at home and channeling the $4-5 dollars a day towards your coaching (30 days x $4 = $120).  Use the worksheet to think of these options ahead of time.

Sample Conversation 1:

“Can we talk for a few minutes? I want to talk to you about our sex life, but I’m feeling scared. Are you in a space to talk about it this evening after we finish dinner at 8pm?

You’re such a supportive partner, which is why I feel comfortable enough to bring this up. I noticed that sex has been hard for us. I know it has been hard for me. I can’t fully be present with you during it. I want to enjoy sex with you — I love you and want to express this love through being close with you. And I have no idea what to do about it. I am lost and I need your help in working on our sex life together.

It’s important for me to do this right now because I don't want to be leaving sexual pleasure on the table as we get older. Working on this together is going to make me happy and more relaxed, I know it. Your support would mean so much to me. 

I have some ideas of how to work on this, such as getting professional help with a sex coach. But that’s not so important here. I want to know if you’re on board with working on this together.

Will you join me in working on this together?

I know this is a lot; take your time to process this. And no pressure to make a decision right away. I do want to keep talking about it, so could we chat about this again on Saturday when you’ve had time to think about this a bit. Will you meet me in the garden for a conversation at 3pm? 

Sample Conversation 2:

“I want to talk to you about our sex life, but I’m feeling nervous about bringing it up with you. Could we set aside a few minutes to talk about this privately?

I know you’ve been wanting us to have sex more frequently, which I want to also. I have been finding it hard because my body doesn't seem to want to get in the mood for it. I am confused as to why this is happening. And I know it affects you too. I miss being able to connect with you on this intimate level. And I hate these fights that we have monthly, It’s important for me that we solve this together and find help to fix this together. 

Will you help me solve this together?”

Situation: My partner gets defensive when I bring this up. What should I do? 

If you find your partner getting defensive or withdrawing from the conversation, it’s ok. Don’t push or force the conversation forward. Name what you’re seeing without blame or charge and find a better time to continue the conversation. 

You might say: "I am noticing I am getting defensive about this decision, and I don't want to push you to change your mind. Can we continue talking about this another time?" 

Situation 2: My partner shuts down when I push him to answer or say something. What should I do?

First, it is so frustrating when you’re wanting to get to a solution and your partner is withdrawing. It can feel like he is no longer there with you in the conversation. And nothing can get solved then.

It makes sense to push, but it actually makes the situation worse. Pushing harder on someone who is shutting down is only going to contribute to them shutting down. Stop the cycle by stopping the pushing and giving your partner space. It’s not about giving up; it is about respecting your partner’s pace and using your voice to reassure them into safety.

“I am noticing that the more I push you, the more you shut down. I am sorry. I get that you need time to process this and I have made it worse. Will you join me to talk about this at dinner tonight? Is that enough time for you?”

Situation 3: I don’t know what I want, so I don’t have much to put on my “why" list. What should I do?

It’s ok to not know what you want. Most women have been conditioned out of knowing and trusting what is important to us when it comes to sex or intimacy. Which often leaves us one thing to go by: what is not working. 

It’s a good starting point. You can reverse engineer what you want from what is not working. Use this easy process laid out in this blog post to find your list of desires and what’s important to you. 

Situation 4: I brought this up once and when my partner shut down, I asked to reschedule in the future, but he never brought up the topic again. It’s been months of silence and avoidance on his part now, and I am getting really frustrated and resentful. What do I do now? 

I am so sorry that you’ve broached this sensitive topic and have been faced with silence. I am so sorry that you’ve had to wait all this time and he has not circled back. It is frustrating and painful.

The way to bring it up again is with curiosity about where he is AND asking what you need — without pouring out the frustration and resentment on him. If there is even a hint of the latter, my intuition is that your partner will shut down and pull back even further. 

It could be something like “I am noticing it’s been months since we talked about this. This is an important topic for me and I’d like to circle back to what we talked about. We don’t have to make a decision, so there is no pressure. Will you join me next Saturday when we have our kids free night to keep talking about it?”

You might need to do this several times — and with as little charge as possible. This is about creating a safe setting to continue the conversation.

REAL-LIFE CASE STUDY

Read how Al & Blair, a real couple and former clients of mine, went from total emotional and sexual gridlock to finding their way to fun and passion in their relationship. It took them getting over the fears of reaching out and making the choice to invest in their relationship.

“At that time [before coming to Irene], I didn't want professional help,” Blair admitted. “I was thinking: we can fix this, we're just not trying hard enough. Then it just escalated and turned into a huge fight, and I just felt helpless.” 

“Al has been a big advocate of finding a therapist and then I realized that he's right. We're not going to fix this with a book on our own. I found [Irene’s] website and watched the video and everything you said resonated with me. Then I filled out the consultation questionnaire and it just came pouring out of me and I just submitted it. With that, I just felt like I had taken a little bit of control back for myself and took a good step forward for us.”

Read full case study here

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