*Shannon and Greg, heterosexual “intimacy warriors” in their 50s, married for 25+ years, with two young adult children, living in the US. They had gone up to level 9 out of 10 levels on the spiral of intimacy-destroying behaviors. We worked together for 18 months. Names have been changed to protect privacy.

They questioned if their love was enough to rescue them out of the spiral of disconnect. It was the very thing that pulled them out of it.

Shannon: It was such a tragedy in that we love each other, we enjoy each other, but we still kept finding ourselves in these damaging cycles. 

I was constantly thinking about our sex life, and I was working so hard at it — at initiating, at fulfilling what he wanted me to do. 

And nothing was natural. I felt that I was always spinning my wheels: trying to do the right thing and to do what was expected. And yet I felt none of it was working. I wasn't doing it well. No, I kept failing at it.  

I found that we would always land in this place [around sex] where Greg felt rejected, and I felt like a failure. Those were the words that always came to mind. When we would land there again, it felt hopeless.

Greg: We really enjoy each other, so we easily would go three or four weeks doing well — really well, actually. Then we'd always land back at that spot where I was feeling the rejection from lack of sex, and I’d hit my breaking point. 

I'd then withdraw and unintentionally — and at times intentionally — punish Shannon, wanting her to feel as alone as I had felt for the last two weeks or so.

Shannon: I don't know that I could ever feel safe, even in the good weeks. I was always walking on eggshells, worrying, “When is it going to tip? When am I going to miss satisfying whatever expectation Greg had of me?” 

I realize now that Greg wanted sex to come from my natural desire, from my heart and from what I wanted. [Back then], he was never satisfied and was feeling rejected because he could tell I was coming from a place, not of delight, but of some sort of obligation, some sort of compliance. It was not genuine. It felt scripted.

We’d work so hard, and we were just spinning our wheels, then we’d find ourselves in that same disheartened space again: where we're so disconnected, not on the same page, not communicating well, and tired and sad. We had just hit that bottom point again, and it was clear that we couldn't do this anymore, and we had to get help.

We had gotten to a true breaking point. 

Greg: I was starting to fear that this cycle is not sustainable. For the fact that both kids were out of the house, there wasn't that pull of ‘Hey, we're staying for the kids.”

Shannon: I just remember thinking: ‘I cannot believe we can't make this work. Even with all the good intentions and love and respect and kindness that we have for one another, we would still find ourselves just completely on polar ends [when it comes to sex].’

They tried many commonly-prescribed strategies that only made it worse.

Greg: We went through probably five or six years of scheduling sex. That worked for that period of time, but it just always felt forced. I was the one always initiating, and for Shannon, it felt like ‘all he ever wants is sex.’ 

In our sexual relationship, there were so many things that were not working. I wanted a different kind of intimacy and was trying to make up for what wasn’t there with constant trials of ‘Let's try this position, let's try that”, but I was left empty because the interpersonal connection with one another was not there.

Shannon and Greg could not see their blindspots, which put them in danger.

Shannon: Looking back and thinking about it, it's so ironic that the answer was so simple — I needed to stop trying to do what Greg wanted (or what I thought he wanted) and just do what I wanted. That's the bottom line. That was the answer all along. And I didn't realize it. 

It's so crazy to look back on that now and think that if I had just been open, honest, and communicative about my fears, and if I’d been vulnerable about my desires, it would've been a step to solve everything. That vulnerable step from me would've connected us and satisfied his need for closeness. 

Yet the whole time, I was just trying to fit myself into some Shannon-shaped space that I thought I was supposed to fit into.

And the answer was just to be myself. 

They were surprised by the actual path to intimacy.

Shannon: For me personally, hands down, the most empowering part of this journey was finding my voice. Ironically, it was Irene telling me that I needed to find my voice that brought me the most healing. And finding my voice and not being ashamed of what that looks like has been the biggest conduit for change in our relationship. 

So much of having my voice is dependent upon overall good emotional health: where I'm not coming home at the end of the day so completely empty that I just want to escape with a glass of wine, to read a book, and go to bed. 

That change includes being able to fill myself all day with things that make me happy and bring true joy into the day, so that when I come home, I'm not empty. Instead, I have space to give and to receive from Greg, and to look forward to our connection. This has been a true game changer!

That has been transformational and has flowed over into all aspects of my life. It’s a constant reminder to feed my true self, to enjoy life, and to come home full so that I don't feel a need to run away or escape.

Greg: My desire for sex is not different from what it ever was. I am typically game every day…like most guys.  However, the edge is off. What I attribute that to is no longer trying to fill what was missing — that connection, that being vulnerable with one another in all aspects of our life. 

Just having that openness with each other has filled a hole in my heart, if you will. I can go extended time periods without sex … I don't want to, but this tension is no longer building up because of feeling rejected. 

Who says that things can’t get more fun, sexier and romantic after 25 years of marriage?!

Shannon: Our connection is better all the time, not just during intimate times. We're connected all day, even during busyness or even when we're not together, we are maintaining that connection.

Greg: Previously if there was a discussion about doing something different or better in sex, it was always taken heavy handed, because maybe it was delivered that way, even though that was not the intention. 

Now, it's much easier to address issues or concerns as they pop up, such as ‘Hey, we've been really busy and we haven't taken a walk, or we haven't spent as much time visiting with each other.”

Before, it would send Shannon down the spiral of ‘I'm not doing something right.’ Now, there's room to express that and for it to not be an issue.

Shannon: I look back, and it just seems like I was so tightly wound all the time. At that time, I thought ‘I'm giving and giving and giving and giving and giving and giving”. And then Mat would ask for something else (even to go on a walk!), and I would take it defensively and just snap.

Shannon: We’ve instituted a Sunday morning routine: Church and then the ‘no-underwear brunch.’ 

Both laugh and Greg jokes: ‘Have a mimosa, leave the undies at home.’

Shannon: It's so funny because when we were talking about establishing a weekly meeting to begin our week with connection, Irene had us think about what we would both enjoy and what would get us excited. For me, I love going out for breakfast, and Irene was suggesting things that would make that experience just as fun for Greg.  She suggested that we sit side by side or hold hands. I threw out ‘I could not wear underwear’ and Greg was like ‘Yes, THAT!’

They learned to create spontaneous passion by way of prioritizing each other.

Greg: And that regular Sunday meeting makes a big difference. We plan our week together and lay out what expectations we have, so we can plan out our time for one another. It’s as simple as just talking about it.

Shannon: I want to thank Irene for not only providing us with the platform to talk and get on the same page, and understand where each other is coming. It’s also about having strategies and practices to put into place. 

Before, when Greg would travel or if we'd have a busy week … by the end of the week, we’d both be completely empty and frustrated. Now we frontload every single week, whether it's busy or not, with time for us. There are no more stealth expectations.

We are on the same page, and we have practices that are part of the fabric of our relationship that we look forward to every week. We start our week together and on the same page.

So we have our no-panty brunch and we also alternate Sundays with proposing and trying new things. And we talk about that ahead of time too. We make sure that we're on the same page for how our Sunday afternoons will look like. That provides a wider canvas for us to explore. So it's not a question of ‘is that going to happen?’— it’s just part of what we do now.

Greg: The fact that we switch off from week to week, with Shannon proposing something new, then me doing that, means it’s not just always me pushing something.

Working on their intimacy made Shannon and Greg freer and more confident to be themselves.

Greg: There is also another thing that changed for me is around desire. I had always wondered and tried to explain my desires: ‘Why do I like that? What's the reason for the desire?’ And I got to the point where I realized I want something because I do. And that’s ok.

For a long time, there was little space to express that, because I was always worried about how that might be received. I had to get beyond that and feel comfortable and confident to say ‘Hey, this is something I want to try.’

Shannon: We’ve almost completely desensitized or at least taken the stigma away from talking about all things sex. I'm surprised at myself, really. It’s been a journey over the last couple of years that has brought us to today, and over the last few months, I've grown completely comfortable talking about anything sexual. 

I think, especially in certain communities, we have a stigma placed on being vulnerable and talking about sex. Obviously, you have to have safety and connection to be able to talk about all of this. But when that is present, I don't know why there is fear, shame and guilt. 

We have two young adult children, and I’m so thankful to now be equipped to pass along some of what we’ve learned with our kids. I don’t want to perpetuate the cycle of burying conversations about sex and desire as if they are something to be ashamed of!! 

When you're in the safety of a relationship like this and it's completely good and fun and a wonderful space to explore all those things, there's really not a wrong answer.

It's truly just, “Let's try it and see what happens!”

It’s important to remember that this was a slow journey for me to get here. It took a long time for me to talk openly about sex. Now that I’m here, I look back and think, I was so silly.  Why on earth would I ever be afraid to say what I like or what I want? 

But those things were all buried and hidden so deeply that it took a long time to feel comfortable to bring them forward.

Being “intimacy warriors” requires never stop pushing for more.

Shannon: The most surprising thing for me [about our journey] is that we actually made it to where we are today. And we’re here for one reason: Greg never stopped pushing. He always thought there was more that was possible — that we could have more. 

I was always frustrated by that notion because I consistently thought, ‘I'm so tired. I feel like I continue to give and you keep saying there's more, and I'm thinking there's nothing left for me to give. Maybe you just need someone else. Maybe I'm just not the right person.’

I too thought that there was also something more, but deep down I didn't think it was attainable or possible for us. I can't believe that we have found ourselves where we have found ourselves. I didn't think it was truly possible.

Greg: I was always hopeful that we would get there. But I don't want to portray that it was expected on my side either. 

For other couples considering sex & intimacy coaching, Shannon and Greg have these words of advice.

Shannon: Trust the process. There is a process, which means that you can't go from the beginning to the end immediately. You have to reset and strip away old habits and old triggers. You have to get on the same page with communication. You have to have that intentional connection, touch and talk time before you can ever talk about increased intimacy and sex. 

All of those other pieces have to be in place and solid. So I would say trust the process. It's there. I imagine that the work time can vary for different people. Some people may get through that very quickly and other people may take years. 

I can look back now, and I can see our journey on a timeline. I can see that it worked. We couldn’t jump through it. You can't jump past it. You have to go through that process. 

It helped me to hear [from Irene] in the beginning in our Roadmap session that ‘We can do this. There's a process. We've got this.’ 

So I say, trust that process and know that you'll get there in the end.

Greg: Going back to how we found Irene … we were looking for different resources, and I would give things to Shannon to read. However, we had to get to a point where Shannon was comfortable with the person that was going to take us on this journey. I think that's probably more significant for the female than the male. 

So when she listened to that podcast you did on Christian Sexy Marriage Radio, there was something that resonated. Shannon was instantly comfortable: ‘Hey, here's someone I'd be interested in talking to.’ 

We knew we needed to pursue something. With that process, you have to trust who's holding your hand down the journey. Without that on Shannon's end, we would not be here.

Shannon: I agree. There was something that resonated when we heard you speak, that I thought ‘Yes!’

To be a full ‘yes’ to coaching, you need to feel safe and understood.

Shannon: In order to even get started, I needed to hear that I wasn't broken. Although I've been through a transformation, it still doesn't mean I was broken before, and now I'm fixed. I was maybe lost at the beginning, because I was trying to be someone else. Most of our married life, I felt buried by guilt.

It was comforting to learn that men and women are simply different. I came to recognize those differences and learned how to communicate despite our differences. I think we all have barriers that block that communication somewhere along the way in a relationship; regardless of where they come from, we can all find yourselves here. It's not because someone's broken. There were so many different factors that placed us where we were. 

I took on the burden of our discord for so long. And although I do think I mishandled things at times, there were lots of factors that landed us where we were. 

I wasn't broken, but we did need help to pull ourselves through.

Their joint efforts as “intimacy warriors” created the relationship that other couples only dream of.

Shannon: Our ultimate path to healing took work on both of our ends. It wasn't just me changing things. Greg had to be open and receptive to making changes in his behavior and how he approached me and intimacy in order to create a safe space for me to make changes. 

And so it was definitely a dual endeavor between the two of us. We both had to invest in the process to get through to where we are now.

Greg: If we could go back 18 months to our former selves, we probably looked like 90% of other couples who come to Irene. But we thought we were originals, with original problems and challenges. So my advice is to hop on the train. There are answers ahead.

It has been life changing… truly.