Unmet Needs Lead to Resentment. This Can Help.

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Sex can melt away stress in a relationship. When sex is connected, you can do anything together.

But what if stress and resentment are stopping you from connecting intimately and having sex? This can make things hard on both partners.

Resentment comes from having unmet needs + a sense that you’re not important to your partner. When you are resentful, it feels unfair that your needs are not prioritized. So you feel distant and closed off to each other — unsafe with each other — and this prevents sexual intimacy.

Use this simple process that’s part of the toolset I teach my clients to have pleasurable and connected sex to identify what you need to jumpstart a conversation that will help you reconnect and feel closer to each other again.

Look behind complaints, dissatisfactions, resentments, and criticisms — all those times you wished things were different — to discover your needs.

Then, reverse-engineer the needs underneath. And don’t forget to include what they provide for you. The “why” behind your needs is key — it helps your partner “get” how this specific action item is important to you and it motivates them to give them to you.

This is not about convincing your partner to do something for you or proving the value of the task; it’s vulnerably expressing how something is important to you. This way, accomplishing the task you’re asking for becomes important to your partner because you and your well-being are important.

EXAMPLE 1:

Complaint: I get so annoyed when my partner just assumes that I’ll take care of the kids and goes to do his work, while I get stuck with doing everything.

Need: I need to discuss what needs to be done and assign responsibilities. Ideally, we have a check-in on Sunday nights each week for a half-hour to go over what needs to happen each week. 

Why: When I know our plans, it helps me plan for mine, which allows me to relax and have more energy to focus on the family and us.

EXAMPLE 2:

Complaint: There is so much noise in the house, the news is on TV all the time, and I am so stressed by the negative announcements.

Need: I need time in the house when it’s quiet and it’s just us. Ideally, classical music would be on and we can sit with each other for an hour, holding hands.

Why:  This would help me relax from all the negative news and feel reassured that we are still there for each other.

TIP: Be as specific as possible in your needs.  This will help you communicate them to your partner when asking for what you want. Specificity sets them up for success with delivering these for you as you like them.

When we meet our needs, closeness, sexual desire and intimacy can thrive in a long-term relationship.

Try out discovering your needs on your own, then sharing them with your partner, and leave a comment on how it goes.

P.S. When you’re ready to find your way back to yourself and your partner, here are a few options for you: