What Is the Meaning of Sex in Your Long-term Relationship?
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Like all important aspects of life, sex carries meaning. Understanding what sex means to you — and your partner — will tell you if you’re on the same page in valuing and prioritizing it. Or not.
For some, sex is a once-in-a-while pleasurable experience of rubbing genitals and sexual release.
For others, it’s the utmost expression of love and connection without which they cannot have a meaningful romantic relationship.
While differences in libido can be physical, they’re also meaning-driven.
If one partner does not value sex in the same way, they will not make it a priority, rejecting the other. This isn’t personal, but it can be confusing and needlessly painful.
Understanding your own meaning of sex and those of your partner is an important aspect of sexual compatibility and thus your ability to make it work.
And it can be the driver of action.
Over a span of two decades, three studies by National Survey of Sexual Attitudes and Lifestyles (NASTLE) of women in Britain showed that of the women who were distressed about sex because of their low libido, less than 20 perfect took action.
The deciding factor on the side of taking action was that these women believed that sex was important to them. The more important, the more urgent the action. The less important, then less action.
Knowing what sex means to you and to your partner means asking powerful questions:
If sex is a major part of your dream for a fulfilling and nourishing romantic relationship, can you live out the full dream without it?
And if sex is not important to you, can your partner be fully happy when they’re missing something that’s important for them?
When faced vulnerably, these tough questions can lead to deeper and more satisfying solutions that honor both partners and what is important to them.
What is the meaning of sex?
There are as many meanings as there are people in the world. With so many possible combinations, sex means something very unique to all of us.
I’ve identified 53 meanings of sex — ranging from a way to get off to a way to meet God — and that’s just skimming the surface.
The reality is that meanings change throughout our lives. Sex means something different when you’re dealing with the sexual urges at 17 and what it means when you’re sharing your life with a beloved in a romantic relationship.
What’s your meaning?
And what is your partner’s?
Use this list below to understand yourself and to start a very important conversation with your partner. You might be surprised what you will find out.
Then take the poll below and vote on your meanings.
Add yours if it’s is missing.
And stay tuned for the results of what others value as well.
Which meanings resonate for you?
Sex is all about the orgasm. Get off and get on with my life.
Sex is making connection and love — an expression of deep love for each other.
Sex is a means of honoring and expressing my own sexual energy.
Sex is a way to be truly seen and known for all of me, ALL parts of me. And equally to see my beloved.
Because sexuality and sexual pleasure are God's gifts, sex is living out God's will for me and my relationship.
Sex is procreation and creating a family.
Sex is the wedge driving us apart, even though we love each other.
Sex is my marital duty and the price I have to pay to get other benefits from my partner.
Sex is a spiritual journey to meeting God through this sense of oneness with myself and my beloved when we make love.
Sex is a validation of my self-worth and desirability.
Sex is that thing I’ve decided I don’t want any more, even if it costs me my marriage.
Sex is a bond that makes partners be romantic partners, not just roommates.
Sex (or lack of it) is the elephant in the room that we pretend to ignore as our relationship crumbles.
Sex is the thing my spouse doesn’t want, that is causing me to deeply resent him/her.
Sex is a safe space to release the full extent of emotions and not hold back.
Sex is my safe haven for comfort and connection when stressed or dealing with tough things.
Sex is the thing my spouse is obsessed with that I have a “duty” to fulfill, and every time I like it less.
Sex is my unique way of giving to my beloved and contributing to them.
Sex is receiving love in the form of sexual pleasure from my beloved.
Sex is a taboo that's exciting to engage in.
Sex is a place where I fully surrender and where I truly rest and recharge.
Sex is a signal that we're safe in the relationship.
Sex is the thing my spouse is obsessed with that I have a “duty” to fulfill, and every time I like it less.
Sex is my only way to get touch and intimacy because we're so disconnected otherwise.
Sex is the cause of my marital problems that will have my kids splitting time between two homes.
Sex is an escape from the world of responsibilities.
Sex is a means to grow closer and become more intimate with my beloved.
Sex is what I am supposed to do to gain value as a woman/man in our society
Sex is access to my deep creativity.
Sex is being out of control, when I have to be in control in the rest of my life.
Sex is stepping into control, whereas I feel out control in the rest of my life.
Sex is the thing I’m constantly creating excuses to avoid.
Sex is what I do to keep my partner from committing infidelity.
Sex is merely a biological urge that needs to be fulfilled.
Sex is an area of self exploration and learning about myself.
Sex is a skill to master, an item on my personal life resume.
Sex is a performance: the better I become at it, the more recognition I get.
Sex is fucking.
Sex is making love.
Sex is all about play — a space for my erotic self to play.
Sex is where I step out of my "regular" self and become someone else, embody a role different than my own, for my own and my partner's erotic pleasure.
Sex is taking care of each other.
Sex is a critical ingredient in the marriage I WANT and deserve, and I refuse to live without it.
Sex is a way to soothe my anxiety about life.
Sex is a way to process grief.
Sex is a way to express joy.
Sex is a way I fall asleep.
Passionate and nourishing sex is what I secretly dream about because I cannot have it in my real life.
Sex is a scary place where I have to be out of control when I already feel out of control in the rest of my life.
Sex is overriding my deep desires to capitulate to my partner’s.
Sex is self care.
Sex is a relationship lubricant; less friction in going through life together.
Sex is a place where my brain goes off line and my body comes alive in ways like nowhere else.
Sex was for when I was young; now that I am older, there is nothing for me here.
Depth in sex as I get older is a marker of a life well lived; the older I get, the more I want to experience more in sex.
Dare to follow your heart. Dare intimacy.
P.S. When you’re ready to find your way back to each other, here are a few options for you:
SCAN through my articles and you’ll find pearls of wisdom about sexual desire and reviving a sexless relationship.
SCHEDULE a consultation for you and your partner to explore individualized support
ENROLL in my signature step-by-step FEED YOUR LIBIDO process to learn to know what you need, how to voice that, and what to do to connect to partner