3 Warning Signs of Divorce and How to Address Them Before It's Too Late
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While February may be the month of love for some, it’s also the middle of divorce filing season.
It starts with what many lawyers call “Divorce January,” termed for the noticeable spike in post-holiday divorce filings. But it’s not the end of it. According to a study by the University of Washington published in 2016 divorce filings peak in March (as well as after summer holidays in August).
There are good reasons for it. Couples on the brink hope, wish and pray that the sacred family time over the winter holidays will bring them together and rekindle lost passion and closeness. They anticipate a new beginning with January, a reset. “New Year, new me, new us” as the saying goes.
Their optimism peaks, then plummets.
Once the holiday decorations come down, they’re let down again as nothing in their everyday life changes.
For some couples, this is the end of the cycle that began the summer prior, after the last summer holidays, when they gave their relationship one last try.
By January, they become “emotionally divorced” while still staying legally married. As apathy sets in, they become “done” with the relationship and the attempts to fix it. They check out.
For others, the January let-down marks the beginning of the last all-out attempts to make it work — they get books, try to do date nights, buy lingerie or play a kinky game, which mostly fails, and lead to August filings.
Or they reach out to me.
Over the last decade, I’ve consistently seen a threefold spike in consultation requests from on-the-brink couples in the February to April time frame that coincide with these last all-out attempts.
Sadly, many couples reach out too late, having missed the moment when their partner had gone over into emotional divorce. It is unfortunate how many couples I have to turn down because one of them is simply not interested in working on the relationship.
Others see the light, so to speak, by taking responsibility of their side of the situation and show up to make it work. They’re the successful ones.
It may not be too late for you. Find out if your relationship has the hallmark signs of divorce — and more importantly, what to do to save it before it’s too late.
3 Warning Signs of Divorce and How to Resolve Them Before It's Over
1. One partner or both are “emotionally divorced.”
Checking out of the relationship does not necessarily mean that the marriage or practical relationship is over. It means that the emotionally divorced partner may still have a desire to stay in the relationship for a reason other than a romantic one, such as kids, finances, access to healthcare, or simply fear of losing them all. Emotionally divorcing however does mean that there is a breakdown of the couple’s emotional — and thus romantic — connection, leading to living like roommates. Emotionally divorced partners lack the kind of care and attention to their partner’s emotional needs, focusing on getting things done that are required to run everyday life. They withdraw emotional engagement as well as physical attention. They show up as an empty shell of themselves with their partner, while showing emotion to others.
This process doesn’t happen overnight; it brews over the years of disappointments over unmet needs, with delays upon delays, procrastinations or avoidance on their partner’s side to meet them. The further a person is down the path of becoming divorced emotionally, the hardened is their heart against their partner, and the harder — if not impossible — it is to bring them back.
If a couple can catch this before it happens, there is a high chance that I can help the couple to open their hearts and find their way to each other with all-hands on deck relationship repair work. It does not mean that it will be easy or quick, but I have seem many miracles in my practice.
2. One partner opts out of working on the relationship.
Desire problems in a long-term relationship are couple issues through and through (unless you want to desire to have sex with someone else other than your partner … then it’s another story). Both partners need to be on board together to solve the problem to which both of them have contributed.
Opting out of working on the relationship can be due to emotional divorce. One parter is done with the romantic relationship and sees no reason to work on it.
Failing to engage on working on the relationship can also be a sign of contempt, something I cover in the third warning sign below.
Lastly, lack of interest to work on the relationship can happen due to fear. And that we can work with.
Addressing relationship issues, especially as they relate to sex and intimacy, is vulnerable. It means looking into yourself, your feelings, and your fears. And fear itself is scary.
If you can get over the fear of looking at fear, and reach out to get support, you will be in safe hands with me. Creating a safe environment to address couples issues is the number one reason couples sign up to work with me and the differentiating factor of my trauma-informed coaching practice. It even starts with having a conversation with your partner about working on your sex life in a powerfully vulnerable way.
Also stay tuned next week for an article on why people opt out of working on the relationship sex issues and what to do if your partner is one.
When you show up to solving this challenge in your sex life together, you signal care about each other's needs. And I am not talking about sexual needs alone. Showing up together as a team to fix a relationship problem shows that you care about the emotional connection with your partner, that you care that your partner feels heard, seen, understood and met. That effort in itself is 50% of the solution (pro tip: it happens to be more like 99% of the solution when it comes to reviving women’s sexual desire).
3. Either one or both of you are not capable of taking responsibility for your own share of the problem.
Being able to see your own role in your relationship challenges is a hallmark of emotional intelligence and thus the key to successfully rekindling a passionless marriage. It’s the other 50% of the solution. When you can take responsibility for how you’ve co-created the problem, you can take responsibility for doing things differently on your side. You can influence change.
Relationships where one person blames the other for the problems become emotionally unsafe to the level where emotional connection and partnership that are needed for a healthy sex life and expression of sexual desire become impossible. It leads to a cascade of relationship-destructive behaviors, ending with contempt, that are difficult — if not impossible — to reverse.
According to John Gottman, couples who reach contempt, which, simply put, expresses, “I’m better than you. You are lesser than me, and I am disgusted by you,” are on the way out. In Dr. Gottman words: “contempt is sulfuric acid for love.” It is the most poisonous of all relationship killers, destroying psychological, emotional, and physical health and taking down the relationship with them.
While I’ve creating miracles for my clients in my practice, there is little that I can do when a couple suffers from heavy cases of contempt across all areas of their relationship. The relationship often bleeds out before it reaches the ER.
However, if you can catch early signs of contempt, there is hope. More than that, I use a clear process to repair the relationship and create deeper emotional connection that leads to sexual opening. That we can work with!
When It’s Time to Consult a Sex Coach
If you’re a couple where both of you are committed to an all-out attempt to make it work and beat the divorce cycle once and for all, there is a path for you. Hundreds of couples have trusted me with taking them to safety. You’re not alone.
When you’re ready to find your way back to yourself and your partner, schedule a consultation for you and your partner to explore individualized support.
