Set Yourselves Up for Success as a Couple in Sex & Intimacy
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What makes couples successful in a relationship, whatever their idea of success is?
It is being intentional in creating what their idea of success is, instead of leaving it to chance.
What does it mean to be intentional?
When you are intentional, you identify what it important to you and make choices and decisions that reflect what's important to you. When you identify what is important to you, you are motivated to protect it, grow and nourish it, and invest in it.
There is a scientific reason why intentionality is the #1 factor in creating life changes: because the way our brain works is that by being intentional, we increases our focus what we deem important. We pay attention. And when you increase focus, you are more effective and productive.
When you have children, biology ensures that we’re intentional about keeping our commitments of feeding and nourishing our children — we come built-in with bonding hormones. It’s the same concept with relationships, just a bit harder. We have to be intentional about being intentional of feeding and nourishing our relationships.
As we start a new year, January is the perfect time to reflect on where you are as a couple and where you’d like to go in love, connection, sexual intimacy and pleasure and set intentions on what is most important to you.
To do this as a couple is to signal that you are a priority to each other and that your relationship matters. As you set a shared intention with your partner for the year ahead, you ensure your relationship continues to be fed and to grow stronger and more fulfilling, in connection and intimacy.
Here is a 5-step process that starts you off in being intentional and sets you up to stick with it … this year, and next and next. It takes hopes and dreams into reality, as all of my clients will tell you. This is the process that I not only teach all of my 1:1 clients; I also hold their hand as they move through it to ensure their success.
STEP 1. Take stock of where you are today
Schedule quiet time to reflect on these questions and support each other as you vulnerably share. Slow down and think about these — as well as listen deeply to each other. Avoid doing it in the car or when you’re in the middle of cooking dinner, as it is too easy to miss an emotional nuance in each other’s voices and get into an old fight.
This is about the wins and the misses. The more honest you are about what is important to you, the more you can set yourself up for success in creating it.
What works really well in your relationship?
What does it provide?
What works ok but could be better?
What would making it better provide?
What is missing altogether that is important to you?
What would creating these provide for you?
Answer these questions for ALL areas of your relationship, from friendship, to being supported, to touch, to sexual intimacy, to pleasure. Come up with at least 5 in each category, if not more.
2. Identify your desires and what’s most important to you
As you go through the previous step, it will become more evident what you are wanting and what’s important. In this step, synthesize what you learned and answer the questions: What would make your relationship feel more connected, joyful and fulfilling?
Be specific. The more vague, the harder it is to take actionable steps to create it.
If you want more connection, say what connection looks like for you. What would you be doing? What would your partner be doing that would have you feel connected?
If you want more “closeness”, express how you want that closeness to be expressed, such as “having snuggle time each night before bed.”
Avoid complaining. If all you have is what you don’t want, reverse-engineer complaints to dig to the desire beneath.
Now comes the more challenging part that’s about putting these into practice. It’s important to be structured and meticulous in creating these.
3. Identify and agree on steps to take to make this happen
Hoping and dreaming and even setting intentions is not enough without concrete action steps that need to be taken each and every day towards feeding and protecting what’s most important to you.
Based on what you learned in the previous steps, come up with an action plan on what you will do. Agree on timelines. Negotiate on what you need to make it happen. Agree on your individual roles and your contributions. Don’t leave these details to chance … because, as you know, it’s in the details that things will go awry.
If you’ve struggled with breaking out of negative patterns and into positive habits, you might need to seek professional support to help transform these into closeness and intimacy.
And critically …
4. Put in place supporting structures to move you towards and achieve what you want
A structure is a practice that you rely on or supporting actions that you take to ensure that what you want to do happens. Some of the structures that are critical to being intentional about your relationship include:
Setting aside calendar time to spend time together and saying no to lesser priorities
Finding child care to be able to spend time together
Figuring out household chores to free up time
Carving out time for yourself to transition from your work self to your intimate self
Coming back together to reevaluate progress and goals
Celebrating your wins and progress
Appreciating each other’s efforts
Learn what you want and how to communicate it
Get support for creating supportive positive habits
Come up with a plan on what things need to happen to support you in prioritizing what’s important to you and making it happen.
5. Support each other when things don’t go as planned (and you fail!)
With every crafted plan, however intentional, there will always be changes. You will miss the mark or miscommunicate (or both). One or both people will be disappointed. You will get triggered and set off your partner’s triggers. Life will take over and you cannot sustain the pace of your intentions. Or, you fail at something and that throws you off into a shame spiral that makes you lose hope and give up.
This is the #1 reasons why couples (and humans) stop too early at behavioral change. It’s hard to be with failure. Disappointing others is hard, but disappointing yourself is even harder. You beat ourself up and get stuck in shame cycles like in a quagmire. Often we blame each other, which adds to the downward spiral.
Therefore, it is critical to come up with answers to these questions ahead of time so you know what to do to support each other, recalibrate and keep moving when things don’t go as planned:
What will you do when you miss the mark?
How will you support each other through the (inevitable) failures and disappointments?
How will you get back on track?
When you set an intention together through these steps, you send the message to each other that your relationship is a top priority — that it matters. By extension, you signal to each other that you matter to each other.
It also happens that by approaching your relationship intentionally as a team, you grow your intimacy and closeness. As a result, you’re more likely to move through the challenges that life brings with grace and enter new realms of joy and connection.
Not only do I teach these steps to my clients, I hold their hand as they go through them. They are the essential steps of behavioral change, which take day-to-day action, celebrating the highs and recalibrating as we hit the lows. Could you use some support in more physical closeness and sexual intimacy in your relationship? Get in touch to explore what is possible with my support.
